Yeah, fine. Up! Good boy. You OK now? You are tired? I love you. Oh, I love you. My little Liebchen (Sweetheart). Come, get up. Come here, read me a book of jokes. Do some work. Hey, Happy. OK, she wants some love.
“One day, a boy was digging in his backyard, and his neighbor asked him, ‘Hey, Timmy, what are you doing that for?’ And Timmy said, ‘My goldfish(-person) died, and I’m burying him.’ The neighbor noted, ‘Well, that’s a mighty big hole for a goldfish(-person), don’t you think?’ Timmy glared back, ‘No, my goldfish(-person) is inside your cat(-person).’” Yeah, yeah, yeah.
“A passenger ship was passing a small island, and everyone could see a bearded man shouting and desperately waving his hands. So a passenger asked the captain, ‘Who is it?’ The captain said, ‘I have no idea. Every year when we pass, he gets madder, he gets more crazy.’” No idea why or who it is. Every year when we pass, he gets more crazy. He gets crazier. Maybe he doesn’t like us (the passenger ship).
“On the railway, children of 10 years and under travel at half price. So as the conductor began checking tickets, a woman sitting next to me told her daughter, ‘Now remember, you are only 10, OK?’ The girl nodded her head. The conductor approached and asked the girl, ‘How old are you?’ ‘Ten, sir.’ ‘And when will you be eleven?’ ‘Oh, when I get off this train.’”
I think I told you this joke, but I’m not sure, so in case. “There was a minivan loaded with all kinds of things and kids, pulling into the only remaining campsite. Four children leaped from the vehicle and began feverishly unloading gear and setting up the tent. The boys rushed to gather firewood, the girls and their mother set up the camp stove and cooking utensils. A nearby camper marveled at the youngsters’ father, ‘That, sir, is some display of teamwork.’ The father said, ‘Yeah, yeah, I have a system. I tell them no one goes to the toilet until the camp is set up.’” (Oh God.)
Well, what planet are you from? Hmm, Ben-ben? What planet are you from? Continue, guys. Just eat or whatever you like. Did I stop you? (No, Master.)
“A travel agent said to a customer, ‘I can get you three days and two nights in Rome for 100 bucks only.’ The customer said, ‘How come so cheap?’ The travel agent said, ‘The days are July 11, 12 and 13. The nights are July 21 and 22.’ Do you understand? (Yes.) Three days and two different nights. I love you too, baby, of course I do.
“Honeymooners.” “A pair of honeymooners checked into the Watergate Hotel in Washington, D.C. That night, as the husband was about to turn off the light, his bride asked him, ‘Do you think this room is bugged?’ Washington, D.C. (Watergate Scandal). ‘Oh, that was long ago, sweetheart,’ he reassured her. She asked again, still, ‘But what if there is a microphone somewhere? I’d be so embarrassed.’ So the groom searched under the tables and behind pictures and everywhere. Then he turned back the rug. Sure enough, there was a funny-looking gizmo in the floor. So he took out the screws, got rid of the hardware, and climbed into bed. The next morning, the newlyweds were awakened by a hotel clerk who wanted to know if they had slept well. ‘We did,’ replied the groom. ‘Why do you ask?’ ‘Well, it’s rather unusual,’ the clerk answered. ‘Last night, the couple in the room below yours had a chandelier fall on them.’” I also don’t know much, so I keep reading like kids [do], no tone, no exclamation.
“Two highway workers are at a construction site when a car with diplomatic plates pulls up. ‘Do you speak French?’ The driver asked. The two just stared. ‘Do you speak Spanish?’ The driver tried. They stared some more. ‘Do you speak German?’ And the two construction workers continued staring. ‘Do you speak Italian?’ Nothing. Finally, the man drives off in disgust. One worker turns to the other and says, ‘Maybe we should learn a foreign language.’ ‘What for?’ the other replies, ‘That guy knew four of them, and what good did it do him?’” (Yeah.) He’s still laughing.
“The story has it that the Soviet leader, Gorbachev, was late for a meeting and told his chauffeur to step on it.” You know, floor it. “The chauffeur refused on the grounds that it would be breaking the speeding laws. So Gorbachev ordered him into the back seat and got behind the wheel himself. After a few miles, the car was stopped by a police patrol. The senior officer sent his subordinate to arrest the offender. A moment later, the officer returned, saying that the person was much, much too important to prosecute. ‘Who is it?’ demanded the police chief. ‘I’m not sure, sir,’ replied the officer. ‘But General Gorbachev is his chauffeur.’” Too much. Just like when I’m driving you to the group meditation.
“A young man answered a Wanted Ad for an accountant as he was fresh out of business school. Now he was interviewed by a very nervous man who ran a small business that he had started himself. ‘I need someone with an accounting degree,’ the man said. ‘But mainly I’m looking for someone to do my worrying for me.’ The accountant asked, ‘Excuse me?’ The owner of the small business said, ‘Well, I worry [about] a lot of things, but I don’t want to have to worry about money. Your job will be to take all the money worries off my back.’ ‘I see,’ the accountant said. ‘And how much does the job pay?’ ‘OK, I will start you at $80,000.’ ‘Eighty thousand dollars!’ the accountant exclaimed. ‘How can such a small business afford a sum like that?’ ‘That is your first worry.’” Try to earn it, man.
“A man went to his doctor to find out the results of a series of tests he had been given the previous week. Unfortunately, it was confirmed, the worst fear. ‘Oh,’ the doctor said, ‘I’m afraid I have some rather bad news for you. You are going to die in four weeks.’ Oh, the man was so distraught. ‘Doctor, that’s terrible, but I want a second opinion.’ ‘OK, you are also very ugly.’” (That was bad.) Tell me when you’re bored. OK? (Not yet.) When you’ve had it.
“In a waiting room.” “A bishop was sitting in a doctor’s waiting room, when a red-faced and sobbing nun rushed out of the doctor’s office. The bishop charged into the office and demanded to know what the doctor had done. ‘I told her she was pregnant,’ the doctor replied. ‘It couldn’t be true,’ said the outraged bishop. ‘Why ever would you tell her something like that?’ ‘Well, it sure cured her hiccups.’”
“During the wedding rehearsal, the groom approached the pastor with an unusual offer. ‘Look, Father, I will give you a hundred dollars if you change the wedding vows. When you get to me, and the part where I am to promise to love, honor, and obey her and forsake all others, to be faithful to her forever alone, I would appreciate it if you just leave that part out.’ And he passed the minister a hundred[-dollar] bill and walked away satisfied, feeling that it’ll be done.
And then on the day of the wedding, the bride and groom had moved to that part of the ceremony where the vows are exchanged. When it came to the time for the groom’s vows, the pastor looked the young man in the eyes and said, ‘Will you promise to prostrate yourself before her, obey her every command and wish, serve her breakfast in bed every morning of your life, and swear eternally before God and your lovely wife that you will not ever even look at another woman as long as you both shall live?’ The groom gulped and looked around and said in a tiny voice, ‘Yes.’ The groom leaned toward the pastor and hissed afterward, ‘I thought we had a deal. I gave you a hundred dollars.’ The pastor put the hundred-dollar bill back into his hand and whispered back, ‘But she made me a much better offer.’” I guess we already heard that joke somewhere. No? But it’s nice.
Photo Caption: In a Free Land, All R Free To Grow.
